Waiting on a house

So Doug and are looking at house and we are going through a company called ownerwiz.com. I am hoping the company is not a scam! I have not given them any money yet so that is a plus but They never seem to call or e-mail me after I have called or e-mail them. There is one house that I really like and which I would really like to get into but I feel like the process is taking forever.  The house is in Coon Rapids and has 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, it would be enough room for all the boys to have their own room. There is also a full basement which means even more room. Doug and I went the other day to look at the house and the neighbor was outside so we talked to him for a bit and he said the house has been sitting empty for 18 months.  I am trying to stay positive and say if it is meant to be than it will happen, but if not than we will look at something else.  I look back on my adult life and with the exception of a few years I have lived with my parents most of it. I had a house at one time and I lost it, again I try to stay positive and say that the house was not meant to be, I let Doug follow his dreams and when it didn't work out we made the best of a bad situation. I have a happy life I have three children that I am proud of and I love them more than I can ever say. I have a husband who puts up with my stuff and who loves me and who after 11 years of marriage I still want to be with.  Looking back at my childhood and what I thought my life would be like I never thought I would be married with 3 children, a dog, a chinchilla , and a ton of fish and still living at home at 35. I also never thought I would still be in school at 35 and not know what I was going to do for a job. I have worked in group homes my entire adult life and I am very good at it, however I don't know if it is really what I was meant to do, I where my heart on my sleeve and even though I act bad and tough I really am not and getting to know the individuals and bringing them into my heart and then leaving them breaks it. I still wish that I could go back a year to October of last year and talk to myself and say don't get so wrapped up in this one death that you lose everything you have worked for. Well now I have really gone off course with this one haven't I? Going back to waiting on a house. Since I have started the process and have put it into full swing I find myself getting more and more anxious every day, I am having a hard time eating and sleeping and I have lost more weight, I go to bed at night reflecting on my life and wondering if it will ever begin.  I just want a house to call my own to paint the color I want to paint it, to plant the flowers that I want to plant, to mow the lawn when I want to and how I want to. I want to sit with Doug, John, David, and Mateo and have dinner and watch TV, and play in the backyard with them. I want something to call my own. Yes I know I could do all of that here but it is not the same, I didn't work for this house, and I didn't choose the color of the paint, It was all chosen on the taste of other. I am not saying my parents are bad I am just saying I want my own house with my own things.  I get very sad thinking about not being able to do that Doug has said if we don't get a house than we will rent but that does not make me feel better I will still be going on other peoples taste I won't be able to put my own touch into it. I have been a good person and I feel it is time for the good karma to come my way. Please just let us buy a house and be a family!

Kayaking on Rice Creek!

OMG! What can I say about my First Kayaking trip in my own Kayak of the year?  #1 It was a lot of fun I laughed more today than I have in a long time. Life has gotten into a rut of me staying up too late and sleeping in and then rake leaves out of the woods just to burn because I need to do something to keep my mind from fretting about what is going on in my life.  #2 it was a little scary this was the first time I have ever flipped my Kayak and I did it more than once today. #3 I feel as though I have maybe gained new friends, when I first agreed to go on this kayaking trip I was not sure I would be comfortable because the only time I have hung out with Michelle is when I have been drinking. But I was not uncomfortable at all (maybe because we could keep our kayaks from flipping.) Janelle and I also got along really well which was also nice. #4 I lost my paddle and had to get out early because I could not go down the river without a paddle. (So I was up SHIT Creek without a paddle)! #5 for a short time I was worried about Michelle and Janelle because I had to swim a head and get my Kayak that I had pushed out from under a log and it started to float away. I kept yelling trying to make sure they were ok which means a few different things. I actually like them and don’t want them to get hurt, or I just didn’t want to go to bed with a death on my mind. This kayak trip will live on in my memories as the most adventurous kayaking trip that is until the next one. By the way mom I am not ready to do the rapids in Colorado

Long time since last post!

So much has changed since my last post, I have thought about posting a lot I just have not because when I think about it, it is usually in the middle of the night when I am supposed to be sleeping.  I left my Job at LSS after 5.5 year on June 9^th and I miss it so much I wish I could go back and see the individuals but I just don’t think I should, I didn’t leave in a bad way but I also don’t feel it was a good way either. I dream about them a lot and it wakes me up in the middle of the night which I don’t like.

June 27^th Doug, John David Mateo and I went to MI to see my sister and his parents, I had a very good time, it was nice to be out of MN for a while. We went to Kensington beach one night for a BBQ and caught up with people we had not seen in years. David, Mateo and I spent a lot of time on the beach in Ludington which was a lot of fun.

July was uneventful but short by time I knew it, it was August. Mateo had an appointment at Gillette’s children’s in late July for leg and hip pain but the doctor could not find anything wrong. So we have a return appointment in 6 months to check to see if his legs are still growing right. At the appointment they told us he was in the 8% for his height and 1% for weight, so I guess he will always be my little toad.

The beginning of August brought my dad losing his job, putting the house up for sale and Doug and I looking for a home. My dad losing his job is a blessing in disguise Doug and I are ready to move out and be a family just the two of us and the boys. By sealing this house and moving because we have to is a good thing.

What will my church look like?

So after my last post I needed time to think about what I really wanted my church to look like and I have had ideas running in my head about it all week. I have a hard time articulating exactly what I want it to be like not exactly what i want it to look like. Some of the things that I have come up with are: I know that I want to have my church in a building that does not consume much energy. Not because I am going green, the reason I want it to not consume a lot of energy is because I want to give it to the community and for every penny that I don't have to pay to bills to keep my building up and running the more I can give to the community. I also would not take any more money from the church that what was absolutely necessary to put clothing on my family, food on my table, and a roof over my head, and when I say a roof over my head I don't mean a mansion, I mean a small house that is just big enough for my family. I read today that a priest make 44 thousand a year, (did you know that is more than I make) What do they need all of that money for? So now with that out of the way I will number what I want or what I think should be in a church, not in any logical order, just as they come into my head. I will try and explain my thoughts the best way I can.

1. The church will be open to the public 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.= in the old days Churches were open all of the time, they were a place to go and sit and reflect, if you were having a hard time and you needed to have a quiet place to be to sort through your thoughts you could walk into a church sit down and think. If you were in trouble and risking persecution you could ask the church for sanctuary and you were granted asylum within the walls of the church. The church was a place of protection, not a place that said if you don't follow theses rules and if you don't learn this than you will never get into God's Kingdom. Which brings me to my next #
2. Anyone is welcome in my church there will be no memorizing of bible verses or prayers, there will be no prerequisite for getting into heaven, or going to hell, if you make a mistke realize that you have done that, and ask for forgiveness all on your own, God will listen to you at any time of day or place.
3. There will be no set time for worship, if you feel the need to enter a building to get closer to God, you can come on in, if you want to sit at home on your front lawn sipping on wine and talking through things on your own so be it. You don't need to be present every Sunday at my church in order to get closer to God, he loves you no matter where you are.
4. I will have no worship services at all at my church, I want it to be an open discussion, if you have a question lets get in a group lets discuss it and lets look to see if we can come up with an answer. Not one single denomination agrees with any other one, and the bible has been translated so many times that not a single one of those is correct either, at least in my opinion.
5. My church will be filled with couches, if you want to come in because you need peace and quiet, and if you fall asleep fine, sleep as long as you need to, most people think that you have to be attentive and listen in order for God to hear you, that is not true you don't need to listen to a person tell you what God wants from you, you just need to know in your heart what he wants.


MORE TO COME LATER.

Church

So after I fell asleep last night I was woke up this morning by David coming in and stating that he didn't want to go to church today. When asked why not he said just because I don't want to go today. I tried to talk him into it without making him feel guilty about not going and without handing down any punishments because he didn't want to go. Since this morning I have had so many things running through my mind as to what a church would have to look like if I were to ever start to go again. At this moment in time I do not believe in the church or the Bible at all. I don't need to go to church in order to feel the love of that hire power. I only have a few minuets before I have to go to a boy scout leader meeting so I will not get into my idea church setting right now, but I will get into it as soon as I get home. As far as the leader meeting goes tonight I am hoping that I will not shoot myself in the foot because I am going to make absolutely sure that they want me to be a leader by telling that that I believe in God but I do not believe in church. Than I am going to let them decide with no hurt feeling if they really want me to be a leader, I will never steer a child away from church but until I find the one that suits my needs I will not endorse or support a church. That is all for now, look forward to seeing my blog on what I think a church should look like in a couple of hours.

Oh Boy what a look inside my head you have now!!

So here I sit it is after 1 am and I would love to be sleeping but I can't. I am sure you are wondering why it is that I can't sleep, it is not for any of the normal reasons that people don't sleep. The normal reasons in my mind are money, love. children and work. No I can't go to sleep because I am focusing on so many different and strange things. For a while it was taxidermy, I wonder how it works, and why people would want dead things hanging on there walls, and why is it most of the time people only have the heads of things on there walls. Is it because they don't want huge male animal parts hanging out, I am sure I would not want to walk into a lodge and see a big deer penis staring me in the face.  OMG I am laughing my ass off at that thought. I hope you are too. The next thing that came to my mind is zombies, yes that is right zombies. I was trying to figure out what would happen if there was a zombie outbrake. How long would the zombies last if they only eat humans eventually the humans would run out don't you think? and why do zombies only eat humans. I know in "The walking dead" the zombies eat a horse so I guess that is a good thing. If the horse turned into a Zombie horse would it only eat other horses? and in Resident Evil 3 the crows fed on dead flesh and turned into zombie crows, and at some point they must have attacked there own kind because there are about 300 of them that attack at one point. Does that mean they had turned all the other crows into zombie crows and the only thing left was the humans? What does that mean for other animals? I mean the dogs that are in the Resident Evil movies are experiments gone wrong and they seem to want to attack only humans but they must attack other things as well, but the movies don't go into that much detail. Another thought I just had but the name of the movie is not coming to me at this point, and I can't remember the actors name either, but he is the last man in a big city and he goes out every day to use his radio to see if others are out there and he has a dog, and the dog gets bit by a human zombie and he has to put the dog down. Anyway I guess my point is that humans will feed off of dogs if they have no other choice and I am guessing that every other living thing on the earth would start with there own species and than move on when they have no access to that anymore. But why on earth did the creators of zombies make it so that the things fed off of there own kind? could you imagine zombie cows? I don't know why but for some reason that is the first animal that I thought of that I would not want to meet if it were a zombie. I couldn't pick something more menacing like a tiger or lion, I had to go for a cow. 

Monday is a new day.

I did not realize that it was Feb since the last time I have wrote anything. It has been such a long winter. So much has happened that I don't even know where to start. I feel as though I have been through so much and when I started writing this blog it was to get out all of the frustrations and I have just been holding everything in. I am not sure but it seems as though I have had a tough winter at work. Most of it is because One of the individuals that I worked with died in October. I have been holding so much grief in that I let it get to the point that I was avoiding all of my co-workers, and I quit doing things at work that I really enjoyed. I closed my self off at one house and ignored the other one completely. I didn't really get to know the individual that moved in shortly after the one passed away. I quit finding enjoyment of all aspects of work. I was put on this earth to do this job. It is the only thing that I am good at and I am really good at it. It is time for me now to get back on track and realize that I am here for all of the individuals at both of my homes and even though I am hurt by losing one it is important to remember that there are still individuals living and I want to make there life the best it possibly can be. Monday is a new day and a new work week and from this day forward I am going to go in with a positive attitude and I am going to do what I really enjoy. I am going to continue to love each of my individuals I am going to get to know them again and take pleasure in seeing them smile. I am going to tell my staff that I am sorry that I was not stronger before and I let the one death take to big of grip on me. But now that I have talked it out with some people I feel better. I have reaffirmed to myself that I am a good person and the choices I made for the one individual is the right choice. I don't need to distance myself from the rest in fear that I will make a bad choice. I am sure that if anyone else was put in my shoes they would have made the same choice. So in the end no more beating myself up.

Resident Evil If you have not seen 4 don't read.

 So many of you know my favorite movies are Resident Evil. Well I was so excited that the 4th movie was coming out and went with John, Angie, Caryn and Anthony, the day after it came out at the Mall of America. Alice has been my hero for as long as I can remember. Well in the first 15 mins Alice loses all of her special abilities that she got from the Umbrella Corp. The rest of the movie I was just mortified the stupid movie people had basically killed my hero. After the movie was over all I want to do was cry. I have not watched any of the movies since that night, and it use to be my ritual to watch them every weekend at least one time if not more. I know GEEK right. any way I have been boy coting anything to do with Resident Evil. Well of course Doug had to go out and buy the 4th movie the other day and I said that I would never watch it, he can watch it without me. Well I guess I gave in because here I am tonight watching the movie with my kids. I just watched Alice lose all of her powers again, and again I fell sad that she is no longer the hero that she was for 3 movies prior. Everyone keeps telling me to wait because in the next movie she will get them all back. The problem is this movie ruins her, she basically cowers at everything and hides behind the other people so she doesn't get hurt. Am I crazy for being so upset and hurt by a stupid movie? I am not 10 years old I should not be sad because I don't have a hero anymore. And another question that I have what is the time line for the fourth movie, I don't gt it. In the 3rd movie the world was a desert, and in the 4th movie the world is green again, and the 4th movie could not be before the world turned to a desert, because than all of the Alice's could not have attacked. I am so confused. The movie has me asking so many questions. So the question for me becomes will I watch a 5th movie if it comes out? Will all my questions that I have about 4 be answered. Will Alice become the Alice of the first 3 movies, or will she die and never regain her powers? I guess only time will tell, and until than I will have to be content with the fact that my hero is dead.

Valentines day and other Holidays

Happy Valentines day all!
So what do I think of this special day were the ones that say they love you everyday feel the need to express more love on this day than other days. Well I think that sentence says it all. I would rather be shown love everyday of my life and not more than usual on February 14th. Doug does show me that love everyday so I feel lucky and blessed, but the thing that gets me is when people say me and so and so are going out this weekend to celebrate Valentines day. Well no Valentines day is Feb 14th not Feb 12, or 20th so why if you are going to celebrate this extra special love day are you going to do it on any other day but the 14th? That brings me to all other Holidays. They are meant to be celebrated on that day, such as Thanksgiving why do we celebrate it the entire month of November? and Easter what is up with that holiday that people feel the need to make plans all month long? As for Christmas that is a little different it is a birthday celebration and unless our birthdays fall on a weekend we celebrate sometime within that month so Christmas I get. St. Patricks day is another holiday that I don't understand it is on a Thursday this year it is one day in mid week it is not the Friday or Saturday afterwords. So if you are going to partake in that Holiday do it on Thursday.
The Valentines day story of why we celebrate the day that I like best is "The St. Valentine the day is named for was, most likely, a priest in the 3rd century who performed secret marriages when the Roman Emperor Claudius II thought single soldiers were more likely to enlist in the army. That St. Valentine was imprisoned and executed on February 4, 270. It is believed he was responsible for giving the jailer's blind daughter back her eyesight, and before his execution, he sent herss a note saying, "From your Valentine." So it is a one day event that has been turned upside down and is celebrated for days before and after. Why do we celebrate St. Patricks day? The primary reason for the celebration is to commemorate the feast day of Saint Patrick, a Christian missionary who later on became the patron saint of Ireland. It is held every 17th day of March, which is believed to coincide with the time of his death. English-speaking countries, individuals of Irish ancestry and the Irish people are just few of the many groups that devotedly follow this special annual celebration. So if you are not Irish than there is no reason to celebrate this holiday, and there is really no reason that you should celebrate it for days before or after . I am not sure why this has sprung to my mind today but it has. Maybe it is because a lot of people have asked me what Doug and I are doing today to celebrate, well the answer is nothing more or less that we do any other day of the week, day, month or time of the year. I gave him a heart shaped box this morning with some candy and toys in it but that is only because I had to buy everything in 4 packs for the kids, and I only have three kids. I am sure Doug did not even think twice about today being Valentines day and I don't expect that he got me anything other than a kiss hello this morning and I will see you tonight. When I get home there will not be a special something waiting for me unless you consider Doug and my children something special which I do but it will be nothing extra.

9 days

I had not realized that it had been 9 days since my last post. A lot has happened in those 9 days.
  Doug and I found a house in spring lake park, and we met with the loan officer, unfortunately we could not get a loan, Doug doesn't have any credit and I have too much. We are now going to look into rent to own homes.
   David and Mateo participated in the pinewood derby which was a lot of fun. There cars didn't win but that is ok.
   Today 1.29.11 was the most active day of all. I got a phone call at 8am telling me that there were med errors at one of my homes and I needed to come and look at what was going on. The short version is all but one of my staff have been making the same medication error for 44 days. Now mind you the error would not and could not kill the individual but it is a med error all the same. Needless to say I had to call the common entry point, do 7 performance improvement plans and term an employee who has worked for me for 5 years.
   So how do I feel? My head hurts a lot I have been vomiting for 3 hours! Why you might ask? Because the worse part of my job is letting people go, I get sick every time. Sometimes I feel sick just because the person has done so much wrong that they deserve it but I get nervous, sometimes I am sick because of what happened today. I have to follow policy they were put in place for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier.
   Doug and I have a date night tonight and I am really looking forward to that, we are going to the 5-8 club to have Juicy Lucy's and than maybe to a movie. After the blow we had this week this is something that we need. i will let you all know how it goes.

Love to all of you!!,
Jody

Guilty feelings

So I have spoken to most everyone this week about having a great deal of guilt that I have a very hard time getting over, as well as feelings like I have past wrongs that I have to make up for and that is why I stay and do the things that I do. It is why I feel like my life should be dedicated to helping people no matter the cost to me. When I was a teenager I used a lot and I mean a lot of drugs I did meth, cocaine, shrooms, and smoked a lot of pot. Those days are behind me and I have no desire to return to any of them ever. In the process of experimenting with all of those things I also had a lot of depression, and I felt the only way to get rid of those feelings was to end it all because I felt that everyone would be better off without me. Well I know now that it was not the case, but I still feel as though I have to make up for that one time when I almost succeeded in ending my own life, I was in the hospital and they had to pump my stomach and I could have died. Ever since that day I have been making up for that time. I feel as though my life needs to mean something or I will never gain forgiveness from that higher power whatever it may be (in some people’s eyes that is God in mine I am not sure.) No matter how many times I hear from other people that I have been forgiven it has nothing to do with asking forgiveness from other people, it has everything to do with me forgiving myself and to prove to myself that there is a reason I did not die that day. The way that I do that is to make sure that everyone else around me feels safe and secure, when I smile at the old people in the stores and tell them to take their time, the individuals at work get such compassion from me because I feel they deserve to have the best life possible. My children and yes sometimes I yell at them get the best that I can give to them, they smile and laugh and the other day they found my tickle spot which is my tummy. My friend’s get both the fierceness of my rage but also the fierceness of knowing that I will do anything for them. My dad for all of his faults I try to stick in there and try to find a way to keep moving forward. My mother I will help her every way that I can. My sisters and I are gaining an adult relationship that I never knew we could have part in due to my determination to have a bond with them. My work gets a person that is willing to stay and fight for what is right. When I feel as though I am failing in my quest to right past wrongs I tend to get angry at myself which other people get to see because I tend to lash out. One of the majors reasons I need to move out of my parents home and into my own home is because I continually have the feeling of failure while I am there, one I feel as though I am not providing a good life for my husband and children, but the greatest failure I have living there is my father, he will never change no matter how hard I try to think that he will. He might want to change and he might tell himself that he is changing but I don’t see the change I see the same person I have always seen. I can’t live my life in an environment where I fel like a failure, I need to get out and then maybe our relationship will improve because I will not have to see it every day.

Dreams

So last night I had a very strange dream......
What I remember.....
I was living back in MI in the house on Silver Lake, there was a big hill you had to go down to get to the lake, my kids did not know there was a lake because I had never took them down there to see it. Fast forward John wanted to go fishing so I picked up a poll and I was going to cast it to see if it worked so I removed the hook and line were it was attached to the poll so you would not get hurt while it was in storage. When I took the hook off it got caught in my pointer finger with the hook going through my finger. My dad was trying to just rip the hook out but it was stuck... Fast forward the poll was bent and that is why the hook got stuck to my finger, I was in a bar the one that is in the Perfect Storm movie the one with George Clooney. The owner said that  you can't just rip the hook out, and she pushed it in further so that the barb was sticking out so she could cut the hook and pull it out, she doused my finger in rubbing alachol and cut the hook...... Fast forward, John and I are driving to one of his friends house that is by a lake,the lake is always on my left when I am driving him to his friend house and I look over at the lake and it is frozen with ice houses on it, than all of a sudden it is not frozen in spots and there are cars and trucks rushing to get off the lake, I see one of those old trucks that are really big and rusty go through the lake and a min later another truck that looks like a VW van ( bright yellow) pop up out of the water.... The dream is over, so what the He_ _ does all of that mean?

Do or not Do that is the question

So Doug has said that he will never read my blog because he is worried that I will write something that will make him mad even if I don't think he will get mad. That is fine with me it almost give me more freedom to write what is really on my mind. Tonight Doug and I had another conversation that keeps coming up, we don't fight about it but we do have a difference of opinions on the subject. Now I bet you are wondering what that conversation is. Well I want to renew our vows and he doesn't. My thoughts on the matter are when we first got married the preacher who was supposed to marry us told us that we were not a match based on a relationship test he made us take, and he thought we would not last more than 5 years. Well here we are 10 years later and still going strong. Anyway me being who I am got mad and changed all of my plans for my dream wedding to Malcalster college, we didn't have as many friend or important people in our lives other than our family and a few select people. Now I want to renew our vows and do it at the Como Park conservatory and have the reception at the pavilion. Doug does not want to renew our vows he said that he did it one time and that is all he is going to do. He feels that if we renew our vows I am saying that the first time was not good enough. I don't want anyone to side with either one of us. This is one of those times I just need to write it down and get it out of my head so I don't cry and so I can sleep. I love Doug more than anything and I can't be one of those people that make him do something that he really does not want to do. My problem is that I did not have my dream wedding. Every little girl dreams of her wedding day and I didn't get my dream and I never will and it hurts. I wish I could go back in time and convince myself not to be rash and just go ahead with what I want because I only get one chance and if I don't do it now I never will.

What do I think of myself Journal question

First let me describe me,
I have naturally brown hair but I like to put black brown and red streaks in it, which should be done soon due to the fact that it is growing out and with age I am getting gray hairs! My eyes are brown and I like the fact that I don't have to spend time plucking my eyebrows because they are a good shape just the way they are. I like my hands because I have long fingers and very thin writs that make me look skinnier than I am, I also have very long skinny legs that look good in shorter skirts. Now the things I would change are my belly I have had three kids but that is no excuse, and my butt to me it is big and I can't stand it when it sticks out when I am wearing dresses.
Now moving on ,
As a kid I hated they way I looked I always felt that my friends and my sisters were so much better looking than me I feel that I ruined my appearance a lot as a kid by wearing baggy clothes and dying my hair so people would not see me but see the things I did.
As an Adult,
I look damn good for someone turning 35 this year, I have a style that is mine okay still dyeing my hair and still wearing baggy clothes but I look good to me. I still think that I could improve in areas but at least I am not huge or too thin I am just right.
So enough with appearances going on to other things that I like about me and what I think of my self including faults.
I grew up in Michigan in a family that has taught me to be a strong willed person and fight for what I think is write. That is a good and a bad thing, I sometimes hurt people by telling them exactly what I think. I try to be nice about it but it doesn't always come out that way. I am honest but again sometimes to a fault, (My mother in-law one time told me that people will not ask a question that they don't want the answer to) Well I took that statement to heart if you don't want my answer than don't ask me. I am very good at my job I also grew up in a home with parents that had very strong work ethics, again there is a good and a bad side to that,  I tend to do a lot of stuff for people because they ask me to and think to myself my work can wait and I will catch up later. I am smart and funny and people mostly like to be around me, all in all I think I am a great person, caring loving, funny, smart, and will go to the ends of the earth for people I care about and things I think are right!!

My bucket list

In no certain order these are the things I want to do or have sometime in this lifetime. and this is a working list so as I come up with more I will add to it.
1. go skydiving
2. work on a habitat for humanity home
3. go on a mission
4. go to Prague
5. own a home with enough land to have chickens
6. work at a library
7. be a foster parent
8. go scuba diving
9.

Work work and more work

Today was a my first day back to work after having almost all last week off. I found myself swamped in tons of paperwork with a todo list 10 pages long, and I could not get motivated to do it. I did get a lot done but I feel as though I will never get it all done. even if I do get it all done the papers that I do will change the next month and I will have to do them all over again. I love my job but at this point I am so frustrated with it I can't stand to wake up and make the drive in, and than when I get there I have a hard time wanting to stay. OK enough of that, work is work and that is why they don't call it Happy happy fun time. If I could have any job in the world what would it be? I have put a lot of thought into this my though mostly revolve around what can I do when I am 65 because the way this economy is going I will be working until than, if not longer! so with that in mind what do I want to do, the first thought that jumps into my mind is I want to be a historian I really like history and I could research it all day long and never get board. I wonder if I would want to specialize in a certain time period or just go all over the board, my favorite time period is the early 1900's sometimes I think I should have been born in that time period with the exception that I am a very strong willed person and I don't think it would have worked out all that well. I love the dress and the talk of the time period and it intrigues me to think that maybe people than cared about others more than people do today. The next thing I would want to research would be wars, and again which one would I choose, I am most interested in the Civil War mostly for what it stood for. I also like researching WWII because my grandparents were both in the army in Germany for the war, and I have heard many stories about what they lived through. I would also like to study and research religions until I found one that best matched my views on God but I don't think that I will ever find one who can show me. but that is a subject left for another day. So If you could have any job what would it be and why?

Thoughts about my children

So here are the thoughts that are running through my head today. I just put the kids to bed a little while ago after spending a lot of time over the last three days with them. Toad (Mateo) stayed up later than David because he took a nap today. Which never happens anymore because he is 6. Anyway while I was laying with him watching TV he always wants to hold my had and it started me thinking about how I love little kids hands they are so tiny compared to my adult size hands and they are so soft and friendly. When Toad holds your hand or any child for that matter they make you feel safe. I remember when John who is now 15 and will be angry if he ever reads this was little and held my hand he had so much love to give and his hands were so pudgy, fingers were like little sausages. Now he is taller than me and skinny. I miss the days of getting ready for work and asking John how I looked and him saying how pretty I was now it is him always asking for something and I never hear complements anymore. I'm guessing that is just a part of kids getting older. Another thing that I like about kids is the unconditional love that they have for everyone. They are so trusting which is not always a good thing but my children are so loving and kind and everyone tells me how cute they are. Walking down the hall with David at school just about every person we passed said hi to him. which brings up another thought about David. He is really good at math he looks at numbers and can tell you what the sum would be if you multiply them add or subtract. Toad I learned today is a really good writer he know all of his letter and they way that they should go. John is really good at History and has all of these facts in his head that he spews out. In the end I would never trade in being a mom for anything in the world, no matter how frustrated I get by not having a min to myself I love every new thing they do every day. I love seeing them excited and full of hope!

Starting out

So I have decided to try to set up a blog for a couple of different reasons. I don't think I will get many followers and I am not setting it up for that reason anyway. I am setting up a blog because sometimes I just need to write things down and get them off my mind. I would sometimes like advice on things but I am not going to post on face book because it really annoys me when people air all of there dirty laundry on web sites like that. Some of my blogs will just be ramblings about nothing, other blogs will be things I like or dislike, or things that I think are neat or important to me. Some of the posts will be journal jar posts, and some of them will just be about difficulties I am having at work, or at home, and some of them will be happy times that I have experienced.