Guilty feelings

So I have spoken to most everyone this week about having a great deal of guilt that I have a very hard time getting over, as well as feelings like I have past wrongs that I have to make up for and that is why I stay and do the things that I do. It is why I feel like my life should be dedicated to helping people no matter the cost to me. When I was a teenager I used a lot and I mean a lot of drugs I did meth, cocaine, shrooms, and smoked a lot of pot. Those days are behind me and I have no desire to return to any of them ever. In the process of experimenting with all of those things I also had a lot of depression, and I felt the only way to get rid of those feelings was to end it all because I felt that everyone would be better off without me. Well I know now that it was not the case, but I still feel as though I have to make up for that one time when I almost succeeded in ending my own life, I was in the hospital and they had to pump my stomach and I could have died. Ever since that day I have been making up for that time. I feel as though my life needs to mean something or I will never gain forgiveness from that higher power whatever it may be (in some people’s eyes that is God in mine I am not sure.) No matter how many times I hear from other people that I have been forgiven it has nothing to do with asking forgiveness from other people, it has everything to do with me forgiving myself and to prove to myself that there is a reason I did not die that day. The way that I do that is to make sure that everyone else around me feels safe and secure, when I smile at the old people in the stores and tell them to take their time, the individuals at work get such compassion from me because I feel they deserve to have the best life possible. My children and yes sometimes I yell at them get the best that I can give to them, they smile and laugh and the other day they found my tickle spot which is my tummy. My friend’s get both the fierceness of my rage but also the fierceness of knowing that I will do anything for them. My dad for all of his faults I try to stick in there and try to find a way to keep moving forward. My mother I will help her every way that I can. My sisters and I are gaining an adult relationship that I never knew we could have part in due to my determination to have a bond with them. My work gets a person that is willing to stay and fight for what is right. When I feel as though I am failing in my quest to right past wrongs I tend to get angry at myself which other people get to see because I tend to lash out. One of the majors reasons I need to move out of my parents home and into my own home is because I continually have the feeling of failure while I am there, one I feel as though I am not providing a good life for my husband and children, but the greatest failure I have living there is my father, he will never change no matter how hard I try to think that he will. He might want to change and he might tell himself that he is changing but I don’t see the change I see the same person I have always seen. I can’t live my life in an environment where I fel like a failure, I need to get out and then maybe our relationship will improve because I will not have to see it every day.