Waiting on a house

So Doug and are looking at house and we are going through a company called ownerwiz.com. I am hoping the company is not a scam! I have not given them any money yet so that is a plus but They never seem to call or e-mail me after I have called or e-mail them. There is one house that I really like and which I would really like to get into but I feel like the process is taking forever.  The house is in Coon Rapids and has 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, it would be enough room for all the boys to have their own room. There is also a full basement which means even more room. Doug and I went the other day to look at the house and the neighbor was outside so we talked to him for a bit and he said the house has been sitting empty for 18 months.  I am trying to stay positive and say if it is meant to be than it will happen, but if not than we will look at something else.  I look back on my adult life and with the exception of a few years I have lived with my parents most of it. I had a house at one time and I lost it, again I try to stay positive and say that the house was not meant to be, I let Doug follow his dreams and when it didn't work out we made the best of a bad situation. I have a happy life I have three children that I am proud of and I love them more than I can ever say. I have a husband who puts up with my stuff and who loves me and who after 11 years of marriage I still want to be with.  Looking back at my childhood and what I thought my life would be like I never thought I would be married with 3 children, a dog, a chinchilla , and a ton of fish and still living at home at 35. I also never thought I would still be in school at 35 and not know what I was going to do for a job. I have worked in group homes my entire adult life and I am very good at it, however I don't know if it is really what I was meant to do, I where my heart on my sleeve and even though I act bad and tough I really am not and getting to know the individuals and bringing them into my heart and then leaving them breaks it. I still wish that I could go back a year to October of last year and talk to myself and say don't get so wrapped up in this one death that you lose everything you have worked for. Well now I have really gone off course with this one haven't I? Going back to waiting on a house. Since I have started the process and have put it into full swing I find myself getting more and more anxious every day, I am having a hard time eating and sleeping and I have lost more weight, I go to bed at night reflecting on my life and wondering if it will ever begin.  I just want a house to call my own to paint the color I want to paint it, to plant the flowers that I want to plant, to mow the lawn when I want to and how I want to. I want to sit with Doug, John, David, and Mateo and have dinner and watch TV, and play in the backyard with them. I want something to call my own. Yes I know I could do all of that here but it is not the same, I didn't work for this house, and I didn't choose the color of the paint, It was all chosen on the taste of other. I am not saying my parents are bad I am just saying I want my own house with my own things.  I get very sad thinking about not being able to do that Doug has said if we don't get a house than we will rent but that does not make me feel better I will still be going on other peoples taste I won't be able to put my own touch into it. I have been a good person and I feel it is time for the good karma to come my way. Please just let us buy a house and be a family!

Kayaking on Rice Creek!

OMG! What can I say about my First Kayaking trip in my own Kayak of the year?  #1 It was a lot of fun I laughed more today than I have in a long time. Life has gotten into a rut of me staying up too late and sleeping in and then rake leaves out of the woods just to burn because I need to do something to keep my mind from fretting about what is going on in my life.  #2 it was a little scary this was the first time I have ever flipped my Kayak and I did it more than once today. #3 I feel as though I have maybe gained new friends, when I first agreed to go on this kayaking trip I was not sure I would be comfortable because the only time I have hung out with Michelle is when I have been drinking. But I was not uncomfortable at all (maybe because we could keep our kayaks from flipping.) Janelle and I also got along really well which was also nice. #4 I lost my paddle and had to get out early because I could not go down the river without a paddle. (So I was up SHIT Creek without a paddle)! #5 for a short time I was worried about Michelle and Janelle because I had to swim a head and get my Kayak that I had pushed out from under a log and it started to float away. I kept yelling trying to make sure they were ok which means a few different things. I actually like them and don’t want them to get hurt, or I just didn’t want to go to bed with a death on my mind. This kayak trip will live on in my memories as the most adventurous kayaking trip that is until the next one. By the way mom I am not ready to do the rapids in Colorado

Long time since last post!

So much has changed since my last post, I have thought about posting a lot I just have not because when I think about it, it is usually in the middle of the night when I am supposed to be sleeping.  I left my Job at LSS after 5.5 year on June 9^th and I miss it so much I wish I could go back and see the individuals but I just don’t think I should, I didn’t leave in a bad way but I also don’t feel it was a good way either. I dream about them a lot and it wakes me up in the middle of the night which I don’t like.

June 27^th Doug, John David Mateo and I went to MI to see my sister and his parents, I had a very good time, it was nice to be out of MN for a while. We went to Kensington beach one night for a BBQ and caught up with people we had not seen in years. David, Mateo and I spent a lot of time on the beach in Ludington which was a lot of fun.

July was uneventful but short by time I knew it, it was August. Mateo had an appointment at Gillette’s children’s in late July for leg and hip pain but the doctor could not find anything wrong. So we have a return appointment in 6 months to check to see if his legs are still growing right. At the appointment they told us he was in the 8% for his height and 1% for weight, so I guess he will always be my little toad.

The beginning of August brought my dad losing his job, putting the house up for sale and Doug and I looking for a home. My dad losing his job is a blessing in disguise Doug and I are ready to move out and be a family just the two of us and the boys. By sealing this house and moving because we have to is a good thing.

What will my church look like?

So after my last post I needed time to think about what I really wanted my church to look like and I have had ideas running in my head about it all week. I have a hard time articulating exactly what I want it to be like not exactly what i want it to look like. Some of the things that I have come up with are: I know that I want to have my church in a building that does not consume much energy. Not because I am going green, the reason I want it to not consume a lot of energy is because I want to give it to the community and for every penny that I don't have to pay to bills to keep my building up and running the more I can give to the community. I also would not take any more money from the church that what was absolutely necessary to put clothing on my family, food on my table, and a roof over my head, and when I say a roof over my head I don't mean a mansion, I mean a small house that is just big enough for my family. I read today that a priest make 44 thousand a year, (did you know that is more than I make) What do they need all of that money for? So now with that out of the way I will number what I want or what I think should be in a church, not in any logical order, just as they come into my head. I will try and explain my thoughts the best way I can.

1. The church will be open to the public 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.= in the old days Churches were open all of the time, they were a place to go and sit and reflect, if you were having a hard time and you needed to have a quiet place to be to sort through your thoughts you could walk into a church sit down and think. If you were in trouble and risking persecution you could ask the church for sanctuary and you were granted asylum within the walls of the church. The church was a place of protection, not a place that said if you don't follow theses rules and if you don't learn this than you will never get into God's Kingdom. Which brings me to my next #
2. Anyone is welcome in my church there will be no memorizing of bible verses or prayers, there will be no prerequisite for getting into heaven, or going to hell, if you make a mistke realize that you have done that, and ask for forgiveness all on your own, God will listen to you at any time of day or place.
3. There will be no set time for worship, if you feel the need to enter a building to get closer to God, you can come on in, if you want to sit at home on your front lawn sipping on wine and talking through things on your own so be it. You don't need to be present every Sunday at my church in order to get closer to God, he loves you no matter where you are.
4. I will have no worship services at all at my church, I want it to be an open discussion, if you have a question lets get in a group lets discuss it and lets look to see if we can come up with an answer. Not one single denomination agrees with any other one, and the bible has been translated so many times that not a single one of those is correct either, at least in my opinion.
5. My church will be filled with couches, if you want to come in because you need peace and quiet, and if you fall asleep fine, sleep as long as you need to, most people think that you have to be attentive and listen in order for God to hear you, that is not true you don't need to listen to a person tell you what God wants from you, you just need to know in your heart what he wants.


MORE TO COME LATER.

Church

So after I fell asleep last night I was woke up this morning by David coming in and stating that he didn't want to go to church today. When asked why not he said just because I don't want to go today. I tried to talk him into it without making him feel guilty about not going and without handing down any punishments because he didn't want to go. Since this morning I have had so many things running through my mind as to what a church would have to look like if I were to ever start to go again. At this moment in time I do not believe in the church or the Bible at all. I don't need to go to church in order to feel the love of that hire power. I only have a few minuets before I have to go to a boy scout leader meeting so I will not get into my idea church setting right now, but I will get into it as soon as I get home. As far as the leader meeting goes tonight I am hoping that I will not shoot myself in the foot because I am going to make absolutely sure that they want me to be a leader by telling that that I believe in God but I do not believe in church. Than I am going to let them decide with no hurt feeling if they really want me to be a leader, I will never steer a child away from church but until I find the one that suits my needs I will not endorse or support a church. That is all for now, look forward to seeing my blog on what I think a church should look like in a couple of hours.

Oh Boy what a look inside my head you have now!!

So here I sit it is after 1 am and I would love to be sleeping but I can't. I am sure you are wondering why it is that I can't sleep, it is not for any of the normal reasons that people don't sleep. The normal reasons in my mind are money, love. children and work. No I can't go to sleep because I am focusing on so many different and strange things. For a while it was taxidermy, I wonder how it works, and why people would want dead things hanging on there walls, and why is it most of the time people only have the heads of things on there walls. Is it because they don't want huge male animal parts hanging out, I am sure I would not want to walk into a lodge and see a big deer penis staring me in the face.  OMG I am laughing my ass off at that thought. I hope you are too. The next thing that came to my mind is zombies, yes that is right zombies. I was trying to figure out what would happen if there was a zombie outbrake. How long would the zombies last if they only eat humans eventually the humans would run out don't you think? and why do zombies only eat humans. I know in "The walking dead" the zombies eat a horse so I guess that is a good thing. If the horse turned into a Zombie horse would it only eat other horses? and in Resident Evil 3 the crows fed on dead flesh and turned into zombie crows, and at some point they must have attacked there own kind because there are about 300 of them that attack at one point. Does that mean they had turned all the other crows into zombie crows and the only thing left was the humans? What does that mean for other animals? I mean the dogs that are in the Resident Evil movies are experiments gone wrong and they seem to want to attack only humans but they must attack other things as well, but the movies don't go into that much detail. Another thought I just had but the name of the movie is not coming to me at this point, and I can't remember the actors name either, but he is the last man in a big city and he goes out every day to use his radio to see if others are out there and he has a dog, and the dog gets bit by a human zombie and he has to put the dog down. Anyway I guess my point is that humans will feed off of dogs if they have no other choice and I am guessing that every other living thing on the earth would start with there own species and than move on when they have no access to that anymore. But why on earth did the creators of zombies make it so that the things fed off of there own kind? could you imagine zombie cows? I don't know why but for some reason that is the first animal that I thought of that I would not want to meet if it were a zombie. I couldn't pick something more menacing like a tiger or lion, I had to go for a cow. 

Monday is a new day.

I did not realize that it was Feb since the last time I have wrote anything. It has been such a long winter. So much has happened that I don't even know where to start. I feel as though I have been through so much and when I started writing this blog it was to get out all of the frustrations and I have just been holding everything in. I am not sure but it seems as though I have had a tough winter at work. Most of it is because One of the individuals that I worked with died in October. I have been holding so much grief in that I let it get to the point that I was avoiding all of my co-workers, and I quit doing things at work that I really enjoyed. I closed my self off at one house and ignored the other one completely. I didn't really get to know the individual that moved in shortly after the one passed away. I quit finding enjoyment of all aspects of work. I was put on this earth to do this job. It is the only thing that I am good at and I am really good at it. It is time for me now to get back on track and realize that I am here for all of the individuals at both of my homes and even though I am hurt by losing one it is important to remember that there are still individuals living and I want to make there life the best it possibly can be. Monday is a new day and a new work week and from this day forward I am going to go in with a positive attitude and I am going to do what I really enjoy. I am going to continue to love each of my individuals I am going to get to know them again and take pleasure in seeing them smile. I am going to tell my staff that I am sorry that I was not stronger before and I let the one death take to big of grip on me. But now that I have talked it out with some people I feel better. I have reaffirmed to myself that I am a good person and the choices I made for the one individual is the right choice. I don't need to distance myself from the rest in fear that I will make a bad choice. I am sure that if anyone else was put in my shoes they would have made the same choice. So in the end no more beating myself up.