9 days

I had not realized that it had been 9 days since my last post. A lot has happened in those 9 days.
  Doug and I found a house in spring lake park, and we met with the loan officer, unfortunately we could not get a loan, Doug doesn't have any credit and I have too much. We are now going to look into rent to own homes.
   David and Mateo participated in the pinewood derby which was a lot of fun. There cars didn't win but that is ok.
   Today 1.29.11 was the most active day of all. I got a phone call at 8am telling me that there were med errors at one of my homes and I needed to come and look at what was going on. The short version is all but one of my staff have been making the same medication error for 44 days. Now mind you the error would not and could not kill the individual but it is a med error all the same. Needless to say I had to call the common entry point, do 7 performance improvement plans and term an employee who has worked for me for 5 years.
   So how do I feel? My head hurts a lot I have been vomiting for 3 hours! Why you might ask? Because the worse part of my job is letting people go, I get sick every time. Sometimes I feel sick just because the person has done so much wrong that they deserve it but I get nervous, sometimes I am sick because of what happened today. I have to follow policy they were put in place for a reason, but it doesn't make it any easier.
   Doug and I have a date night tonight and I am really looking forward to that, we are going to the 5-8 club to have Juicy Lucy's and than maybe to a movie. After the blow we had this week this is something that we need. i will let you all know how it goes.

Love to all of you!!,
Jody

Guilty feelings

So I have spoken to most everyone this week about having a great deal of guilt that I have a very hard time getting over, as well as feelings like I have past wrongs that I have to make up for and that is why I stay and do the things that I do. It is why I feel like my life should be dedicated to helping people no matter the cost to me. When I was a teenager I used a lot and I mean a lot of drugs I did meth, cocaine, shrooms, and smoked a lot of pot. Those days are behind me and I have no desire to return to any of them ever. In the process of experimenting with all of those things I also had a lot of depression, and I felt the only way to get rid of those feelings was to end it all because I felt that everyone would be better off without me. Well I know now that it was not the case, but I still feel as though I have to make up for that one time when I almost succeeded in ending my own life, I was in the hospital and they had to pump my stomach and I could have died. Ever since that day I have been making up for that time. I feel as though my life needs to mean something or I will never gain forgiveness from that higher power whatever it may be (in some people’s eyes that is God in mine I am not sure.) No matter how many times I hear from other people that I have been forgiven it has nothing to do with asking forgiveness from other people, it has everything to do with me forgiving myself and to prove to myself that there is a reason I did not die that day. The way that I do that is to make sure that everyone else around me feels safe and secure, when I smile at the old people in the stores and tell them to take their time, the individuals at work get such compassion from me because I feel they deserve to have the best life possible. My children and yes sometimes I yell at them get the best that I can give to them, they smile and laugh and the other day they found my tickle spot which is my tummy. My friend’s get both the fierceness of my rage but also the fierceness of knowing that I will do anything for them. My dad for all of his faults I try to stick in there and try to find a way to keep moving forward. My mother I will help her every way that I can. My sisters and I are gaining an adult relationship that I never knew we could have part in due to my determination to have a bond with them. My work gets a person that is willing to stay and fight for what is right. When I feel as though I am failing in my quest to right past wrongs I tend to get angry at myself which other people get to see because I tend to lash out. One of the majors reasons I need to move out of my parents home and into my own home is because I continually have the feeling of failure while I am there, one I feel as though I am not providing a good life for my husband and children, but the greatest failure I have living there is my father, he will never change no matter how hard I try to think that he will. He might want to change and he might tell himself that he is changing but I don’t see the change I see the same person I have always seen. I can’t live my life in an environment where I fel like a failure, I need to get out and then maybe our relationship will improve because I will not have to see it every day.

Dreams

So last night I had a very strange dream......
What I remember.....
I was living back in MI in the house on Silver Lake, there was a big hill you had to go down to get to the lake, my kids did not know there was a lake because I had never took them down there to see it. Fast forward John wanted to go fishing so I picked up a poll and I was going to cast it to see if it worked so I removed the hook and line were it was attached to the poll so you would not get hurt while it was in storage. When I took the hook off it got caught in my pointer finger with the hook going through my finger. My dad was trying to just rip the hook out but it was stuck... Fast forward the poll was bent and that is why the hook got stuck to my finger, I was in a bar the one that is in the Perfect Storm movie the one with George Clooney. The owner said that  you can't just rip the hook out, and she pushed it in further so that the barb was sticking out so she could cut the hook and pull it out, she doused my finger in rubbing alachol and cut the hook...... Fast forward, John and I are driving to one of his friends house that is by a lake,the lake is always on my left when I am driving him to his friend house and I look over at the lake and it is frozen with ice houses on it, than all of a sudden it is not frozen in spots and there are cars and trucks rushing to get off the lake, I see one of those old trucks that are really big and rusty go through the lake and a min later another truck that looks like a VW van ( bright yellow) pop up out of the water.... The dream is over, so what the He_ _ does all of that mean?

Do or not Do that is the question

So Doug has said that he will never read my blog because he is worried that I will write something that will make him mad even if I don't think he will get mad. That is fine with me it almost give me more freedom to write what is really on my mind. Tonight Doug and I had another conversation that keeps coming up, we don't fight about it but we do have a difference of opinions on the subject. Now I bet you are wondering what that conversation is. Well I want to renew our vows and he doesn't. My thoughts on the matter are when we first got married the preacher who was supposed to marry us told us that we were not a match based on a relationship test he made us take, and he thought we would not last more than 5 years. Well here we are 10 years later and still going strong. Anyway me being who I am got mad and changed all of my plans for my dream wedding to Malcalster college, we didn't have as many friend or important people in our lives other than our family and a few select people. Now I want to renew our vows and do it at the Como Park conservatory and have the reception at the pavilion. Doug does not want to renew our vows he said that he did it one time and that is all he is going to do. He feels that if we renew our vows I am saying that the first time was not good enough. I don't want anyone to side with either one of us. This is one of those times I just need to write it down and get it out of my head so I don't cry and so I can sleep. I love Doug more than anything and I can't be one of those people that make him do something that he really does not want to do. My problem is that I did not have my dream wedding. Every little girl dreams of her wedding day and I didn't get my dream and I never will and it hurts. I wish I could go back in time and convince myself not to be rash and just go ahead with what I want because I only get one chance and if I don't do it now I never will.

What do I think of myself Journal question

First let me describe me,
I have naturally brown hair but I like to put black brown and red streaks in it, which should be done soon due to the fact that it is growing out and with age I am getting gray hairs! My eyes are brown and I like the fact that I don't have to spend time plucking my eyebrows because they are a good shape just the way they are. I like my hands because I have long fingers and very thin writs that make me look skinnier than I am, I also have very long skinny legs that look good in shorter skirts. Now the things I would change are my belly I have had three kids but that is no excuse, and my butt to me it is big and I can't stand it when it sticks out when I am wearing dresses.
Now moving on ,
As a kid I hated they way I looked I always felt that my friends and my sisters were so much better looking than me I feel that I ruined my appearance a lot as a kid by wearing baggy clothes and dying my hair so people would not see me but see the things I did.
As an Adult,
I look damn good for someone turning 35 this year, I have a style that is mine okay still dyeing my hair and still wearing baggy clothes but I look good to me. I still think that I could improve in areas but at least I am not huge or too thin I am just right.
So enough with appearances going on to other things that I like about me and what I think of my self including faults.
I grew up in Michigan in a family that has taught me to be a strong willed person and fight for what I think is write. That is a good and a bad thing, I sometimes hurt people by telling them exactly what I think. I try to be nice about it but it doesn't always come out that way. I am honest but again sometimes to a fault, (My mother in-law one time told me that people will not ask a question that they don't want the answer to) Well I took that statement to heart if you don't want my answer than don't ask me. I am very good at my job I also grew up in a home with parents that had very strong work ethics, again there is a good and a bad side to that,  I tend to do a lot of stuff for people because they ask me to and think to myself my work can wait and I will catch up later. I am smart and funny and people mostly like to be around me, all in all I think I am a great person, caring loving, funny, smart, and will go to the ends of the earth for people I care about and things I think are right!!

My bucket list

In no certain order these are the things I want to do or have sometime in this lifetime. and this is a working list so as I come up with more I will add to it.
1. go skydiving
2. work on a habitat for humanity home
3. go on a mission
4. go to Prague
5. own a home with enough land to have chickens
6. work at a library
7. be a foster parent
8. go scuba diving
9.

Work work and more work

Today was a my first day back to work after having almost all last week off. I found myself swamped in tons of paperwork with a todo list 10 pages long, and I could not get motivated to do it. I did get a lot done but I feel as though I will never get it all done. even if I do get it all done the papers that I do will change the next month and I will have to do them all over again. I love my job but at this point I am so frustrated with it I can't stand to wake up and make the drive in, and than when I get there I have a hard time wanting to stay. OK enough of that, work is work and that is why they don't call it Happy happy fun time. If I could have any job in the world what would it be? I have put a lot of thought into this my though mostly revolve around what can I do when I am 65 because the way this economy is going I will be working until than, if not longer! so with that in mind what do I want to do, the first thought that jumps into my mind is I want to be a historian I really like history and I could research it all day long and never get board. I wonder if I would want to specialize in a certain time period or just go all over the board, my favorite time period is the early 1900's sometimes I think I should have been born in that time period with the exception that I am a very strong willed person and I don't think it would have worked out all that well. I love the dress and the talk of the time period and it intrigues me to think that maybe people than cared about others more than people do today. The next thing I would want to research would be wars, and again which one would I choose, I am most interested in the Civil War mostly for what it stood for. I also like researching WWII because my grandparents were both in the army in Germany for the war, and I have heard many stories about what they lived through. I would also like to study and research religions until I found one that best matched my views on God but I don't think that I will ever find one who can show me. but that is a subject left for another day. So If you could have any job what would it be and why?

Thoughts about my children

So here are the thoughts that are running through my head today. I just put the kids to bed a little while ago after spending a lot of time over the last three days with them. Toad (Mateo) stayed up later than David because he took a nap today. Which never happens anymore because he is 6. Anyway while I was laying with him watching TV he always wants to hold my had and it started me thinking about how I love little kids hands they are so tiny compared to my adult size hands and they are so soft and friendly. When Toad holds your hand or any child for that matter they make you feel safe. I remember when John who is now 15 and will be angry if he ever reads this was little and held my hand he had so much love to give and his hands were so pudgy, fingers were like little sausages. Now he is taller than me and skinny. I miss the days of getting ready for work and asking John how I looked and him saying how pretty I was now it is him always asking for something and I never hear complements anymore. I'm guessing that is just a part of kids getting older. Another thing that I like about kids is the unconditional love that they have for everyone. They are so trusting which is not always a good thing but my children are so loving and kind and everyone tells me how cute they are. Walking down the hall with David at school just about every person we passed said hi to him. which brings up another thought about David. He is really good at math he looks at numbers and can tell you what the sum would be if you multiply them add or subtract. Toad I learned today is a really good writer he know all of his letter and they way that they should go. John is really good at History and has all of these facts in his head that he spews out. In the end I would never trade in being a mom for anything in the world, no matter how frustrated I get by not having a min to myself I love every new thing they do every day. I love seeing them excited and full of hope!

Starting out

So I have decided to try to set up a blog for a couple of different reasons. I don't think I will get many followers and I am not setting it up for that reason anyway. I am setting up a blog because sometimes I just need to write things down and get them off my mind. I would sometimes like advice on things but I am not going to post on face book because it really annoys me when people air all of there dirty laundry on web sites like that. Some of my blogs will just be ramblings about nothing, other blogs will be things I like or dislike, or things that I think are neat or important to me. Some of the posts will be journal jar posts, and some of them will just be about difficulties I am having at work, or at home, and some of them will be happy times that I have experienced.